Undo...

I have been wanting to write about this for a while.

As a civil engineer I use the program AutoCAD almost every day. One of the most crutial commands that exists is the "Undo" command. You can try out a certain way of design or presentation and if it doesn't seem to work out you can just undo 5,6,...1000 times to get right back to where you were. This inspires some risktaking in design and drafting. I have also found that this manner of thinking expands beyond my drafting and into my daily living. Sometimes I step out to try new things or change things and then, quite naively am shocked that there is no undo command to return things to normal. The most important thing I have found about this mentality is that I rarely regret it. Life is to be lived and to tak e chances even if I take them naively.

Many people consider me to be a "fix-everything" handy man and wonder how I do it. I have found that 90% of fixing something is having the courage to open it up and have a look. I believe that life is similar. To see the greatest things in life I must have the courage to step out and have a look and I have realized that things are not nearly as scary as they seem to be.

If anything I am glad that I have this inate sense of abandon. It keeps me in a "childlike" faith that is willing to follow God in the sketchiest of situations.

Trust....because you have to

Many times in my life I have wished that I had more faith, that I believed and trusted God more, yet, I find it funny that it is the times that God brings us to a place that we are uncomfortable and "forced" to trust him that we get the most frustrated with his plans.

Our time here in Guatemala is coming to an end this year (I think) and people are asking us about our plans. God has placed us in a place where we cannot decide our own future. The uncertainty finds us at every corner. Until just yesterday we were uncertain about travel to the US because our adoption with Anzo was not complete. Our big decisions about where to move after Guatemala cannot be made either. I need to purchase plane tickets from Reno to Guatemala returning to Reno today but the return date is difficult to me because we have no set plans of what to do once we are there. This may sound flaky or irresponsible but we have nothing else we can do. I am traveling to Jordan the 23 of May to the 7th of June. I will be looking at opportunities there. My hope is to be able to minister there with eMi for about a year but none of that can be decided until after the trip but I must purchase tickets before the trip.
The main question at hand is this, "Do I really trust him?" If so then why be afraid of people thinking I am irresponsible.

This is just one example of the uncertainty that God has clothed us with and I am starting to find these clothes comfortable. I am beginning to understand the comfort in ACTUALLY trusting God. Like Abram when told "Get up and go to the land that I tell you" I can start to understand this...literally, and I am feeling a new level of faith as we must "walk in faith". I am excited about the ride and letting God lead where he may. Many reading this may not understand. I don't think I could really put it all in words anyway. My encouragement to all (myself included) is that when God puts us in places where we are not in control I should rejoice in his sovereignty and not fear.

There is a prayer I heard a long time ago and I say quite often for myself that goes like this, "Lord look beyond my superficial prayers for a comfortable, trouble-free life and answer my deep-down heart desire to be like Jesus." and I cannot get mad at him for doing just that.

The great fizzle...

Dan, A friend of mine, would always play games with a bitter-sweet attitude. He liked to play them but what frustrated him was that he would start out winning and while thinking he was going to win, at the end he would always, in his words, “fizzle” and lose.

I have been reading Paul and both his personal quest and his public mandate to focus on finishing well. Many of the stories of the kings of Israel speak of kings that didn’t finish well. I remember all the tone of scripture on this topic and see its push toward finishing well.

Everyone hopes that their live amounts to something. I once heard spoken about a pastor that finished poor that, "The impact of a life is not determined by their last moments but but the total sum of a life lived for Christ." This is true but I cannot help but question how convinced that person was of their life lived for Christ when they finish poor. Something went drastically wrong at the foundational level.

I know my own tendency to get bored with tasks after the excitement and newness wares off, or in fear of my own inadequacy back off near the end. Maybe it is a my sinfulness from the fall or my own ADD, either way it must be kept in check. Each day, am I becoming more convinced of the gospel? Not do I have more sentimental attachment to it, though that is valuable also, but rather do I believe it more with a faith that is in action, a life of abandon.

Living a life of abandon sounds romantic and spiritual but I find it hard to nail down. Most would agree that life should be lived in abandon to the world but what does that really mean? Jesus’ life of abandon I read in the gospels required much more than being “willing” to give everything, but meant more “actually” giving everything. Do I believe that I live in abandon? Not really.

To me Abandon means understanding the temporality of everything and living in light of eternity. Even this is vague. Am I concerned about retirement, investing, gaining prestige in my career? Are my decisions controlled by my fear of damaging these things? Then I am not living in abandon and I will not finish well. Where is my treasure and do I really seek it, like the man who “sold everything he had” to buy the “field” or the “pearl of great price”? Where do I draw the lines between faith and responsibility? Do I trust God to take care of me and do I follow him “to the land that I will show you…”?

My hope is that I grow in and towards faith, hope and love each day. These are the only three that remain after the “perfect” comes and everything else fades away. Faith rooted in action and action rooted in faith and this faith being in the person of Christ and the character of God. Christ and eternity has to be my vision or my life will "fizzle". Grow in faith and abandon! Focus! Strive! And Finish Well!

-Eric

Just spinning your feet...

I just came across a YouTube video of a guy that walked 1000mi for "peace" I understand how a journey of that magnitude can be an amazing reflection on humanity and on ones self and how a change of your own perception can bring about peace in others but the thought of walking 1000mi for world peace seems a bit ridiculous to me. Why not spend that time and effort doing something constructive to actively pursue peace or support for the poor, or at least work and donate the money of your efforts to those who know what to actually do about the troubles of the world. Or at least let the walk just be the mental and spiritual prep to focus your mind on some other contructive task that is the main point.

I have found that most people "want" to do something to try and make the world a more peaceful place but really don't know what to do or where to start. Some people are so motivated to do something that they will do anything, even if it is to walk 1000mi for world peace. The main thing for me is that the question of "why world peace?" is not asked. It is assumed that it is a good thing. I believe that without eternal significance life is irrelevant. Do we just wish to make life more comfortable for those who come after us. So they can live "happily" and then just die? Without the eternal perspective and the hope that is found in God I just don't see the point. Doing good for goodness sake without God and without eternity becomes empty superstition. Happiness, joy, pain all become irrelevant.

Though again I applaud him for his effort, and I am sure he got some great personal reflections, I think, in his efforts to find something to change the world, he is just spinning his wheels...or in this case, his feet.

-Eric

my Hero?

A couple days ago I passed by a restaurant that was caution taped off and there was a crowd of people waiting outside for a famous retired soccer player to finish his lunch and come out. I had no idea who the man was even though they told me his name and I watched the people go crazy calling out "Diego!" hoping to get a glimpse or autograph. Diego simply walked out and up to his hotel room.

It amazes me that people would be so motivated to just see someone, not to know them or be their friend but simply see them; and the reason for wanting to see him has nothing to do with who he is, but rather that he can kick a ball really good. He was their hero but yet for no good reason.

I have been reflecting on why we do this. Why do we get so animated by a football team but not by our family? Maybe it is a bit two fold. We need to feel like we belong to something so we associate ourselves with a group and secondly we want to feel envied. We want to be in the elite circle of exclusivity, to feel bigger about ourselves by rubbing shoulders with those we consider big. What then does this say about our view of God and about being members of his family? This post is less of a whole idea and more a quick observation so I will just leave the questions hanging.

-Eric

Salvation, Everything is not enough...

As Heather and I have been pondering the Middle East I have spent more time trying to understand Islam and more particularly Judaism. They are dedicated to their beliefs because they both believe their salvation is tied to their actions. I have been trying to read the gospels outside of the understanding and interpretation that has been handed down to me and I have found something, nothing new but rather a different focus. I have found that salvation linked to actions is not entirely wrong (stay with me I am not denying "by grace through faith") Jesus is not the cushy tolerant person I have made him out to be for many years. This I may have known before but definately not the Jesus I preached. Jesus is NOT tolerant. His demands are incredible. He does not compromise for his disciples. In Jesus we do not find an "understanding" way of tolerance but a very strict way. The key is that there is always forgiveness, not tolerance but forgiveness. His demands never let up but forgiveness is available. Humility is the key to the lock of God's forgiveness. Faith in Jesus and his work must be founded in a position of humility.

Salvation is free, a gift of God "by grace through faith". My issue is faith. I do not believe that faith is mere mental ascent (I believe in my mind) without action. James testifies to the worth of faith without deeds. Jesus REQUIRES everything! "But I thought salvation was free?" True, it is, meaning that everything you have and everything you are is still not enough to pay for salvation but true "belief", true "faith" then requires action on that faith. It is the consequence of faith. If I were to live under a cliff and say that I believe it will fall, yet continue to live under it then I don't really believe it now do I, not REALLY.

Jesus offer to us is not a "get-out-of-jail-free" card that allows us to live just however soley because we "believe". he has offered us a way of repentance; a way of turning to God completely because we have forgiveness. Those who say they believe but the fruits of belief do not permiate every portion of their being, every thought, every breath, then I would encourage them like Paul to ask whether or not they truely believe. Is the faith a mere shell, dead according to James, or equal to the belief the demons have in fear as Jesus says?

What does real faith look like? If I am hung up on my things and not constantly geared toward forgiveness and change, then I don't really believe. If I am unwilling to place a friendship or job on the line for the sake of sharing the gospel, if I am not compelled to help the poor, if my vision is on retirement instead of eternity, then I MUST ask the question. It is this question that keeps me grounded. It is this question that sharpens my focus, on the goal, on the cost, on the prize.

My salvation was given to me freely but the consequence of my true faith costs me everything. Am I willing to give up everything today?

-Eric

little angel wings...

Just a quick midnight thought...
Yesterday I was listening to Sara Groves sing about a little girl with angel wings on and encouraging her to "fly, fly, fly..." as her daughter got ready to sleep and dream, and I think of how dominated my schedule is with lesser important things than my family. I think of how much of a joy my children are to me, so much so that it brings me butterflies in my stomach of both love and concern for lack of a better expression. I also think of how sometimes I just,"want them out of the kitchen" or "just give me 5 more minutes of peace to finish this last piece of work on the computer" or "can't you guys go 5 minutes unsupervised without fighting" and I realize that many times the things we love the most are also the source of our greatest frustrations. I just want to live in light of the former instead of the latter, as to then take the frustrating moments as times to show a good example as the adult and both teach and learn in front of the kids in those difficult moments. More than anything I want them to feel loved. I want to jump on the trampoline with them, chase them around, snuggle them closely, tie on their angel wings while they are still young and cheer "fly, fly, fly..."

I just carried Abi from sleeping in our bed to hers. As I lifted her little body up and snuggled her as I walked down the hall I couldn't help but think about being 12 years down the road with her grown up and wishing I could go back to the days when she was young like this and love on her better, and for a moment I thought, "what if I am exactly that man having been granted his wish, what if God rolled back time, erased my memory and gave me this other chance with the only memory being, 'take advantage of the oppotrunities this time'" now I do not believe that is what happened but I think it is a healthy perspective and perhaps God is gracious enough to answer the prayers that he knows I will have 12 years from now, beforehand by impressing on me the dire need to express love and seek the important things of life for my children while I am still RIGHT HERE.

-Eric

Walking the path...

We have just discovered the joys of Skype and have been calling a couple dear friends without fear of phone charges. I spoke with one such dear friend (who probably will read this post) who used to be involved in church but now does not believe in Jesus or the Bible. We spoke of the travesty that 'Christians' often treat those who choose not to believe as though they are bad people or even worse, the enemy.

Every person is responsible for their own path. They are the sole one responsible for what to believe for themselves. I am not saying that all things are truth but rather that each of us must decide for ourselves what we believe to be truth. Truth itself seems to be such an illusive thing and we all must hold our theology humbly in light of this. I am convinced that the path of Jesus and of the Bible is true, this is the path that I have chosen for a multitude of reasons. And as much as I would plead with my friend to walk this path with me, regardless of what I believe the consequences of rejecting Christ are, I cannot make him believe, guilt him to believe, or tell him he is bad. I must respect his choice and support him in what he honestly thinks is the right spiritual path for him. I am responsible for my path as he is responsible for his.

As far as my responsibility to him, it is the same as will all mankind. Jesus said we must LOVE them. We love those who believe AND those who do not. Jesus said in the gospel of John, "love one another, by this the world will know that you are mine, if you love one another" I know there will be people reading this post that will say this passage is talking about loving your brother in the church. I fear that you have missed the point. Regardless of how this particular passage is interpreted, no one can question Jesus' mandate and example to love all people.

Being married for near 10 years and having 4 kids has taught me much of what human love is. Just to sum up such a big topic. I understand it to be that inner motivation for the best of that person. One that desires success for them, growth, happiness... whether it be by my actions or lack there of. It is one of the remaining marks of the image of God on man. The trickiest part of love is doing it in a manner that is understood as love.

Do we love those who question our beliefs? really love them? Do we get defensive because we fear what they are asking? Do we fear not having the answers to give them or not having them to answer ourselves? These bring up questions of faith itself and on what it is based. This is much more of a topic than what I had intended at first. I will probably write more on that some other day but for now it suffices to say, feel free to doubt, ask yourselves the questions you fear and entrust those conversations with other godly people you trust. Be honest with God and yourself knowing that doubt itself is not evil but rather it is a fork in the road to choose Christ or not. Most will say that true love is a decision and Hebrews 11:1 implies a choice to believe the unseen. Our responsibility is to choose well, in whom we put our Faith, what do we Hope for, and will we Love; but the greatest of these is Love and love is from God.

-Eric

Identity...

“its not who you are on the inside that matters, its what you do that defines you” – said to Bruce Wayne in the movie Batman Begins.

In today’s culture we often find identity and value based on what we do. “We are what we do.” I don’t think this is the case. We are exactly who we are on the inside, it’s just a bit hard to know what that is because we cannot see it, we can only see the evidences of it in actions. This may just sound like semantics but it is an important distinction to make in order to find satisfaction and contentment. I understand that we may think that on the inside we are kind, generous, a good driver… when on the outside our actions do not show it and there is a truth to be found in the actions. Our actions are very good indicators of who we really are. They teach others and even ourselves who we really are on the inside but the actions themselves do not define us.

What does define us? Character, those internal values that direct your motivations and actions. Who I am will determine how I do what I do. Let me explain. It is no more spiritual to be a missionary than it is unspiritual to be a plumber. I can be a prideful missionary or a resentful plumber. The telltale of a person is not what they do but how they do it. A generous person is generous in all things and at all times. Who you are is revealed in everything you do and in every response. I can do many good things while still being a person of weak character. This is being like the Pharisees. They thought they were good because they defined themselves by what they did. My goal is to be a man of great character throughout whatever God puts in my path whether humble like Brother Lawrence, or great like Paul.

My identity is found in who I am on the inside yet we focus so much on accomplishments. God calls us to give to the poor yes, but only as the overflowing of a heart of love, compassion, gratefulness… When I read the words of Jesus I realize that the ‘Law of Grace’ requires obedience to not only the letter of the law (actions) but the spirit of the law (character). We must dig deeper and get beyond the actions to the truth of our own character.

In order to train my heart in the invisible aspects of being rather than in the visible aspects of doing, I have an interesting practice of asking “who do I want to be on the inside?” and thinking about the man I hope to be at the end of my days. I think about who he is rather than what he has done and ask the question, “how would a person of that character respond in this circumstance?” not how would they respond in action but how would they respond in heart, because that will dictate the action as well as the motivation behind the action which is character and lasting and important.

Action alone is meaningless unless it comes from a good and obedient heart. An obedient heart is what God has called us to, not to achieve results because God can get results with or without us. He wants to form the inside, my real identity, to be who he wants.

-Eric

Rest...

I have always been amazed at the greatness and sovereignty of God. He has been a very real and present help during the last couple months of crazy schedules. In the Bible study I am leading with the interns here we are reading through the whole Bible in 7 weeks. The consistant theme I have been seeing is the extent of God's love and sovereignty. He accomplishes all things with purpose and reason with the end always being so "they will know that I am the LORD". That they will understand the extent of his love, mercy...

Obedience becomes easier when I maintain a view of the shortness of this life, the sovereignty of God, and his enduring love for me and my family. This mindset brings me great peace and rest because I know that I cannot ruin God's plans. During this Christmas season the birth of Christ takes on a fresh meaning as I futher explore and understand this pivotal moment in God's design for time and how it reveals and fulfills what God has been trying to say to his people all along.

-Eric

Stiff-necked...

This morning I woke up with a very stiff and sore neck. I had to wake up early to dig footings for the new church in Tabacal with a team from Kids Alive. They had not told me the team was coming until last week and I was not looking forward to working again with Kids Alive and now my neck hurt too. I have been thinking a lot about my distaste for Kids Alive and how to “love your enemies”Lk6:27-36. I have also been reading the Pentateuch where Israel grumbles or chooses to obey certain parts of the Law and not others. For these of God’s people who continue to do wrong in spite of their knowledge of right he calls them “stubborn” or “stiff-necked”. Almost immediately I saw the connection. My neck was a constant reminder throughout the day of my need to choose to obey all God requires and love the people of Kids Alive.

The people on the team focused on Doug (missionary with Kids Alive) for their questions about the design. This thoroughly frustrated me because the church in Tabacal has nothing to do with Kids Alive, It was MY project, but it was a personal pride issue in my heart. The truth of the matter was that he was a great help there and of course the people from the team brought their questions to him, they had been working with him all week and were used to asking him.

Following Christ requires my whole attention and commitment to all that he requires of me every day. I must take up my cross or I am not worthy to be his disciple. Lk9:23, 14:25-27

-Eric

Waters of Suffering...

At 3:50 I was told of a 4:00 meeting with my pastor in San Lucas. I rushed up there to find no one there and the pastor not answering his phone. I called the other attendee who told me the meeting was at 5:30 at another location. I arrived there and the meeting still did not start until about 6:30 and finished a little after 7pm. This is how Guatemala normally works but my only fear was that I now had to ride my morotcycle home in the dark, in the rain, on a road under construction. On my ride home I was genuinely scared (similarly to a previous ride home in the dark and rain) and I asked the Lord for help. No sooner than the words had left my mouth that I drove through a pot-hole which splashed me with cold water. A few moments later a truck splashed me and then a car next to me splashed me. I prayed out loud again frustrated with the Lord saying, “Lord… I need your HELP! Are you going to or not.” I was reminded of Luke 14:26 which says, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father, mother…even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.” My mind was brought to my willingness to suffer while God asked me why I had gone up to San Lucas, waited and endured the meeting knowing this would probably be my fate. My answer was, “for you.” Then who are you suffering for? God! It hit me that I was given the privilege to suffer for God. Imagine if the scripture in Luke 14 said instead, “If anyone comes to me and is not willing to be splashed with water…cannot be my disciple.” Splashed with water! Tell me you wouldn’t laugh. Of course I am willing to be splashed with water…there are much worse things to suffer for His name and if I can suffer for Him just by being splashed with water, bring it on! Right at that moment the rain stopped and I was not splashed again the rest of my trip and to be honest when I arrived at home I was a little disappointed that there was no more rain or splashing that I could “endure” for Christ.

Many times I serve God expecting God to help me in return but when bad things happen right after my service my tendency is to complain to God “thanks for nothing” rather than rejoice in being able to suffer for God and accept it as a gift because trials produce…mature and complete Ja1:1,4 and because suffering produces…character and character, hope… Rom5:3-5 They are the road to my goal.

-Eric

When the littlest is the biggest…

These past 2 ½ weeks Heather has been back in the states visiting her dieing grandfather with three of the kids. Anzo and I have been home alone. During this difficult time for our family many people wished us well. Many people said they would be praying for us. Many people said many nice things to me during this time yet few did anything about it. During the 16 days, two people came over to visit. The fact that only two made time to check in on me struck me but not nearly as much as the positive impact that the visit of the two people did have on me. The people who invited me to stay for dinner, those who just asked about the situation and then remembered to ask followup questions later, those who prayed with me on the spot. I remember that there were not many but most importantly I remember how significant they were to making me feel supported and important. Had I had a serious need, I would have asked one of the few who had displayed, in action, they cared.

In reflecting on this experience I am confronted with the truth that most of the time it is the small things that mean the most and end up being the biggest. The small things like a hand written thank you note, a call for no reason other than to listen to how anothers life is progressing, “pick-me-up” flowers, visits or invites, it is these small expressions of care that are most often overlooked. Often I pass the opportunities thinking, “they really are nothing significant…I can pass it by” when in reality the truth is that most people do pass them by with the same thoughts and only the purposefully caring actually carry through with these kinds of actions. I think that if people understood better the impact of these small gestures they would be more likely to do them.

It is the great love that is behind the small actions that is felt. Even if there is great love, without the actions it remains unreceived and misunderstood. When people just said, “we’re praying for you…” (when I knew they probably weren’t) or other niceties, I understood this as wishing us well and being polite but really not wanting to be inconvenienced by anothers difficulties not sharing or bearing one anothers burdens. But it was those who took interest and ownership with actions that helped me with the load.

When there is someone who is hurting and I want to do something for them but I don’t know what, I can do one of these small actions for them rather than just wish them well. Small actions reveal that I am willing to help with bigger things if they should come. I must take the time to carry through with the “small” things that come to mind because when it comes to a person feeling valued, usually the littlest things are the biggest.

-Eric

The question of contentment?

The other night a fellow missionary asked me how I deal with the issue of contentment. He had noticed that most of the missionaries have a very negative outlook on the country, ministry, people… He told me that we seemed to be content in our situation and was curious how that was.

I think missionaries are no different than anyone else. They have the same hang ups, the same problems as you would see in the states. Many people are so driven by how they think ministry should be done, so blinded by how they think God has “told” them to minister that they become unwilling or resentfully flexible, a new sort of individualized legalism. It is such an easy trap that leads to discontentment which opens the door to other in country irritations. It is easy to move from, “they run this ministry in such an ungodly way” to “this country is so backwards in its thinking they should do it this way…” Negative attitudes toward people move toward a habit of negative attitudes towards more people. This hits a little closer to home for me when I think of Kids Alive and the grievances I have with that ministry. I cannot let hurts of the past turn into a path of negativity toward my circumstances.

I believe the best I can hope for is that in every situation I choose that which in my heart of hearts I think is the right thing to do, the thing that lines up with scripture as best as I understand it. This is a choice for myself that I cannot hold all people to. I must make my decisions humbly. My choice may be wrong, I cannot always know absolute right but I can know what I think is the right thing even if at times it seems arbitrary. This is the key to contentment that I must look to every day. When I look back on decisions that seem to have gone awry, I can take comfort in the fact that when I made the decision I honestly thought I was choosing right. I may choose differently now but I need not regret my previous decisions. God give me, give all us the wisdom to see the right we should do, the character to choose it and the strength to endure in it.

-Eric

The priority of the Gospel...

--Reflection on Acts--

I have been asking myself, “exactly how important is the task of actively sharing the gospel? What do my actions reveal about my belief in the importance of the gospel?” There is the obvious “Sunday school” answer as well as the acknowledgement that I should be more involved in sharing my faith but…I’ll get around to that later because “I’m not perfect”. I do believe that actions speak louder than words and that a life characterized by the love of Christ is more powerful than Bible thumping but as I examine the lives of the heroes of faith I rarely find a passive position that leaves the testimony of Christ at the level of loving character without the actions and words behind it that are purposeful in revealing more than just the love of God but more specifically the gift of Christ in the gospel message itself.

Paul was all consumed with sharing the gospel. He saw caring for widows as important work but only as secondary to the gospel. He was so consumed with this notion, so dedicated to its purposes that he did nothing outside of this scope of sharing the gospel. Is my life characterized by actions pointing to the gospel? Is my primary concern not just for the physical or emotional wellbeing of other people but there spiritual and eternal wellbeing which can only find healing in Christ? Do I believe it so completely that I am compelled to proclaim it in whatever manner or action I can? Do I love Christ enough to dedicate myself to the task he has given me? Do I love others enough to give myself to their needs and listen to them openly? Do I believe the gospel message enough to move beyond mere compassion for others to being an ambassador for Christ?

I often find myself so surrounded by good things that I must refocus myself on the things that matter most and dedicate myself to my specific calling from Christ which, as for all believers, includes the preeminence of the task of love that points to the gospel, a task that is for the benefit of all people whether already believing or not.

-Eric