When the journey is hard...

In 1 Kings 17 Elijah prays for God to stop the rain. With the hardship of no rain, God told Elijah to go to a secluded place and He brought provision through ravens and a brook but even that provision dried up because of Elijah's prayer. God then told him to go to yet another place where God would provide through a despairing widow. Hardship strikes yet again with the death of her son...

It has been a long time and I really don't feel like writing but sometimes you need to force yourself. The past 4 months have been some of the hardest of my life. I have found that hardship really wears on me when there is a cycle of trial, hope, disappointment, new trial added on top...

I lost my job 4 months ago with leads and hopes of finding another job quickly. There was even an apparent "provision" of a job in ministry which drug out for a couple months and then fizzled away. It is easy to see potential on the horizon and jump to conclusions as to how God can "move" or "provide". I can get so far ahead of God in his provision that I start planning on it and building on the assumption that God will do something particular. Even when something seems to be that "perfect" example or way that God could provide so others would be able to see his movement and provision, sometimes God has other plans. So it has been for me.

Many times I have doubted that God really does care about us personally. He is God. He is Good. He is Just. None of this requires that he know or care about me personally. Much like Job, I praised God for being God and accepted that he has no obligation or requirement to care for or provide for me. Not understanding his methods is easily confused with doubting his concern or provision. God has taken away much. Has he replaced it? No. Has he provided? not in the way I had hoped or expected but yes.

After loosing my job came the bulk of the expenses for the adoptions, a large investment failed, other investment opportunities for retirement vanished with my job. In the adoption there was the complications of tuberculosis, viruses, bronchitis, Hepatitis and other health issues, the expensive treatments and, without any returns on countless resumes, talk over the dinner table about bankruptcy options. What made it all the more difficult was how alone I felt through it all. I felt that people had their own problems and no one really was interested in our despair. Included in this list was my doubts of God's care.

God's provision had been there. It was always sufficient even if just sufficient enough to keep us from being crushed. He never relieved us from the trial, he just gave us a little more supply to endure a little longer. He provided to bring the children home, provided payment for most of the medical expenses, reduced our monthly expenses, and just when I could bear it no more, he brought along a few people to show me some of the greatest examples of friendship I have ever experienced. More and more people have been Ravens, Brooks, and widows of provision for us (literally bringing us food for the day). Just today I have reflected on the help we have received from others. I was just talking with a friend today about how humbling it is to receive help.

Things have gotten bad, and then worse. What is God's plan? I don't know. but I do know that showing care for those who are hurting, calling them out of the blue, babysitting, helping with bills or groceries, helping bear burdens reveals love, and love is the biggest provision of all.

This brings me back to 1 Kings 17 and Elijah's prayer. He prayed for God to stop the rain and that prayer became the source of his trials. Two weeks before I lost my job, I had posted a prayer request that I would not put my hope in my lucrative job but trust God for his provision. Even though his provision has not been enough to bring us out of trial, it has always been enough to sustain us. In many ways I prayed this on myself and am gaining a new view of provision. There is a difference between provision and prospering. Providing is remaining in trust where Prospering eliminates the need to trust. I have expected him to "prosper" where he has only promised to "provide".

Friends and Memories...

Has it really been 3 months!
I recently reconnected with a friend who was even more dear to my heart then I think they remember. They were a big part of my life during some of my more formative years. They have experienced some trying times and though many years have passed, I still want to be that friend I was years ago and walk down to their house and encourage them. It reminds me of how much we need each other and how powerful the bonds of the friendships of our youth can be. As a culture we so often are straining toward what is ahead and fearing living in the past that we neglect it altogether.

Remembering is one of the foundational teachings of Scripture. It reminds us of God's character, his faithfulness, our own journey and formation, lessons learned and experience gained. We can remember God's faithfulness to Israel in the crossing of the Red Sea and the fullness of Scripture but it is also remembering our own path. This is our garden of wisdom. God has given us our particular past to prepare us for his planned future.

It is a good thing to Reminisce...not just about the things that make you smile but the things that have guided your path, both the peaceful and the tradgic. I thank God for those memories. Mostly, I thank God for the people of my memories. I never have been good at maintaining relationships once I move away but I hope those who have shared my path with me can know that I appreciate their walk with me be it short or long. We all are in the image of God and tell a story of His character and grace and I treasure the glimpses I have gotten along the way. Each person has value, dignity and beauty. I don't so much distinguish between friends gone by and current friends, rather, those who have become my friend remain...unforgotten.

Thank you to all those who have taken part in my life. My love to you all.

(a special thanks to LM/L for this warming reminder. You still are my friend :)

Scatter among the poor...Psalm 112

I have been challenged lately by God's intentions of blessing, when he chose Israel. God was going to bless them so he could then bless the world through them.

During this season of difficulty for most, we now find ourselves with excess. My initial response was to stock it away like a squirrel storing for the winter but I believe God had blessed us to be a blessing to those in need around us. God brought up specific needs in proportion to the excess we came across.  In confirmation of this, Heather and I came across Psalm 112 which speaks of the righteous, God fearing man. Verse 9 describes how "[the righteous man] has scattered his gifts among the poor". 

I long to be righteous and I love to scatter. My hope is that we all hold on to Christ a little tighter and hold looser to the things he has blessed us with. That we find our hope and security in our peace with God rather than the things he has entrusted us with. 

We may be holding on to something as our own that God had intentioned as a blessing for those around us and entrusted us with the task of giving. May we always be eager to scatter gifts among the poor...