Stop the world...

I put a growth chart with a picture of my kids as the background at the top of my monitor at work as a constant reminder of the passing time and passing influence I have as a parent, husband...

Another week is coming to a close. "Where has the time gone?" is a satirically comical cliche of our culture. I look back on this week and ask, "how have I grown?, What have I learned?" We have had a busy week but nothing stands out as being progressive, only the "usual daily grind" of things.

So much of my time and energy is spent on "survival" that much is lost in terms of purposeful growth. I have tasks that I have wanted to get to for a long time but have not had an open time slot big enough to do it. At times "maintaining" seems more than I can do so growth is definitely out of the picture. My recent trip to Haiti has really brought this to the forefront. The trip was very purposeful and made a big difference but proved costly coming home to two weeks of not "maintaining" my life and work in the States.

Matthew West sings "Stop the world, I want to get off" and my heart understands. I want to escape the tyranny of the urgent and routine. Life in the States requires that I budget more and more of my time and resources to "routine" and "maintenance". I am trying to find ways to streamline maintenance so I can focus on growth as a person, Christian, father, husband and focus on the needs and desires of others in service to God for His glory.

God's love in me...

I spent the last 11 days in Haiti helping with clean water for disaster relief. I still have much to process and will probably write more about it later. I just was pondering this scripture and wondering how to spur on the believers as well as myself to take it to heart.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.
-1 John 3:16

Coasting and waiting...

Our lives are typically filled with adventure, and I'd have it no other way, but these days it seems like everything is pointing to the future and I find myself waiting. Waiting for Heather's masters, waiting for the adoption, waiting for investments to mature, waiting for new business projects.

I was asked to contribute to another blog but I find myself with not much to say, a rare event. I find myself too busy to keep up with what I want to do leaving me with little time to ponder and not much to say.

I am typically a pretty lazy guy. I guess I should say, I am motivated to do what I understand and like to do but drag my feet with things that I don't really know how to do or really don't like to do. I like to daydream and spend unrushed time with my family but I am not finding much of that these days. I know it is for a season but that again brings me to "waiting".

I believe life should be lived strategically, with greater purposes and goals in view and lived toward them, but, at the same time, life must be lived and enjoyed along the way and I am finding myself apathetic toward the latter. I am in one of those times that you say, "I just want to be at the next step, I wish it were a year from now..." but this is very dangerous thinking because I loose this time in life. Lord give me the strength to continue faithfully working and waiting but also give me a love for the present.

Keeping with repentance...

Awareness is often a huge step towards resolving most problems. My personal and our family times in prayer and scripture have been restored in the last couple days. I am still tired but there is the inner strength and trust in God who is above it all. My prayer is for light for my eyes (Ps 13). John the Baptist kicked my butt by saying produce fruit in keeping with repentance. If I say I have repented and trusted Christ then I must continue to produce that fruit. The Christian life is definitely a marathon, one that I want to finish well, and one that I cannot even run without God's empowering.

Caught in the Breadth of difficulty...

I noticed today that in the last several weeks my spiritual life has been drained and tired. I am not reading scripture much personally or with my family. Things are "slipping" and I was not sure why. We have been in much more trying and difficult circumstances yet those brought us closer to the Lord. This morning I think I have found the difference, breadth of difficulty instead of depth. A deep well of one or two big trials or a shallow, 3" pond of 1000 trivial trials that is so wide you cannot see the shoreline (Honey Lake), Trials that are so little you hate to even call them trials.

Having a couple very difficult circumstances can draw you to the Lord because you see them, they are obvious and the specifics take a lot of your mental time. The difference with my current situation is that there are a mountain of small issues all at the same time and when there is a to-do list longer than Santa's Christmas list, I tend to get paralized and overwhelmed at the task. There are the bigger issues like my precarious, temporary job situation, the troubles with the adoption, and the starting of a joint venture we have invested in, but it is the mountain of small things (put handles on the drawers in the kitchen, Heather's homework, new landscaping for the backyard...) these get me buried. This is where the profound truth lies for me.

There are few large items that draw me to the Lord and the mountain of small things distract me and keep me busy and tired, too much so to take time for the Lord...because I have to take another trip to Wal-Mart and the post office before it closes. The fast-paced American lifestyle is much more dangerous for my spiritual life than the "big ticket" stress items I have faced in the past. Granted, we have a lot going on (New house/remodel, barely employed, homeschool kids, Heather's Masters program, China Adoption, Ministry possibilities here or overseas, New business) but it is the breadth of the difficulties is wearing me thin and tiring me out. I must recognize the trials for what they are doing, keeping me from the Lord. I cannot take them lightly. The great deception is that their urgency keeps me from my source of refreshment, my time with God. Even recognizing this disparity, I am not sure how much it will change my pattern. I will spend time with God today but I fear getting swept away in busy-ness even before the day ends.

In times like these I am amazed by God's patience and grace.

The Layoff...

I was laid off from my job three days ago. Initially I was stunned but excited by what God was going to do. Now it is becoming a bit more real that I really have lost my job. The timing of the surrounding events make the loss of my job a bit more significant. We are purchasing a house that closes in a week with $33,000 due at closing. The house is a great deal but needs repairs. In just this past week all of the following has happened.

The day before I was laid off I paid $3000 and signed a contract for $3000 more to redo the countertops in the new house. $1700 needs to be paid to the guy refinishing the floors. About $5,000 more will need to be spent in the house to make it functional. We spent $1400 on non-refundable tickets to Hawaii and a car rental for our anniversary. We paid $2500 to start our adoption of a girl in china that will cost about $20,000 and $500 toward a $2500 homestudy for that same adoption. To top it all off, in December when Zoe was careflighted from Susanville to Redding because of a strange sickness and possible broken neck, the insurance denied the claim for the careflight and we received a $17,000 bill.

The economy is terrible and there really aren't many jobs available but God is still faithful. It is in these times that I have always wanted to prove my faith and trust in God, and, true to form, He has given us the grace to deal with the situation in faith. This may be a time of change and we are reflecting on what God would have for us. Now is the time to see if I really believe he owns the cattle on 1000 hills. He is not required to help us but I know he will. He may not provide that help in the form of money but he will provide. We cannot trust in the security of money but in the Creator of all things. He will not leave us lacking in the things that matter most.

None of this was a surprise to God. He is on the move and we are ready to drop our nets and follow...

Hope...

I feel like I am back in 9th grade, looking at the girl that is way out of my league across the room in my second period history class that I have secretly had a crush on since the third grade. Should I hold back in fear or risk looking like a fool, go for it, and see what happens. Nervous and unsure I walk across the room to ask her out on a date and confess my longstanding feelings for her.

Unfortunately I will not get a response for a while and must wait in hope.

The thoughts of the possibility of pastoring at Lake Almanor Community Church is an excitement that consumes much of my thoughts. I know that it is still very unlikely but I cannot help but hope. So many hard things that have happened in the past would start to make sense. I have always been challenged by a song that questions if you are where you hoped you would be when you were a child. If I did get the position there, I think I would be exactly where I hoped I would be. I love the people, have family there, have spiritual ties there with Heather's baptism and discipleship, and we were married there.

Just a couple days ago I was talking with a friend about childhood dreams and when I was a small child my dream was to live in the mountains on a lake and be able to go to the restaurant and say "I'll have the usual". This vision also included a hawk, but I was only about 8 yrs old. This is also coupled with my desire to care for people, study the word, teach the word, and enable people for service to a hurting world.

I know this post sounds much more like a Junior Higher with a crush than my usual post, but sometimes hope does that to you. The nervous, unsure but joyful butterflies creep in and, like the young man in love, thoughts don't drift far. I know the work would be hard and the "honeymoon" period would end but on the other side of that, I know I would still love it.

To those fellow daydreamers out there, never stop hoping and dreaming even if they never are realized. So here my unpolished post. Here is to hoping and dreaming...

Finding the Rhythm...

Things are settling down. I have a job and a house and 2 cars. We are establishing some new friendships. It is no longer storming, but still we wait in hope.

The workings of the states still frustrates me. People have so much yet still are not happy. The focus on comfort and coolness that pervades even the church itself is chilling. I find it hard to relate anymore and my experiences from Guatemala seem beyond understanding for most. We as Americans focus our "rights" and set our "boundaries" on such meaningless things at the cost of the things that matter most. Fear and paranoia rule, keeping people from reaching out to the hurting. Safety, protection, caution are on all sides. We prayed for some people being sent out from our church, "above all, keep them safe" rather than "above all, make their efforts effective for the gospel". I just find myself having difficulty finding the rhythm of the USA culture, having become accustomed to a different drumbeat. The things that matter to me most now, are not the most important to those around me. And what they find very important, I don't anymore. I believe that safety, saving, and caring for your things are noble but not at the cost of showing love to one another so the world will know that we are the Lords.

We are not believers to have a "better" or "easier" life. We are believers to find reconciliation with God.

I have been pondering Job lately. The message of Job to me these weeks have been one of the character and nature of God. He, simply stated, is God and whatever his character might be does not change the fact that he still is God and what I think about his actions or tactics are irrelevant.

This is not to say that God is not good. This is only to say that I was created for his purposes of revealing his character. If the portion of his character he wants to reveal requires my demise or suffering then I still would have no complaint I could file. I will fill my role. I have no "rights" with my creator. He has every right to do with me as he wishes. This has brought me a lot of peace.

I hope that our constant blessing and praising God in the midst of trials will bring us blessing but I understand that it is not required. For us to endure trials well does not entitle us to blessings, it only means that God wished to reveal his greatness in grace by how he allowed us to endure the difficulties. Our difficulties brought glory to him which is our created purpose. He is not required to do anything for us. Lk 17:10

My perspective has changed. I am struggling, not just with readapting to the US culture but also with whether I should readapt to it to begin with. There is a balance of what to keep and what not to that I am starting to find. I am finding the rhythm but keeping a few of my "off" beats to give a little extra spice to the music.

God is still faithful...from Zechariah

Usually the mid 30's are a time of thriving and advancing. I find myself at 34 with no home, no cars, no work and living in the back two rooms of my parents house with my wife and 4 children. We have lost nearly $35k in our investments, my son broke his tooth and my daughter possibly her neck. Virtually every plan we make seems to hit a dead end and yet God is still faithful so I will remain the same.

I cannot remotely relate to Job though he visits my thoughts often. I more relate to Zechariah, father of John the baptist. Zechariah was a priest who walked righteously but carried the "disgrace" of being without children. I would figure that many suspected that he sat under God's judgement because "who can close the womb" but God alone? Like a mini version of Job he appeared to be under God's judgement when in reality he had found favor with God. Just yesterday Heather mentioned to me that I would make a good pastor because I have lived a life "above reproach" and reminded me of Zechariah.

The hardships we have endured have not been that bad, the difficulty comes from the cycle of hope of a possible opportunity and then the dissapointment that comes when the mission field (Jordan) closes, the insurance coverage is denied or the job vanishes. There is a sence of shame, disgrace, judgement from God. It is easy for me to see the rewards of following Christ when life clicks in place and those things that are beyond my control fall into place to reveal the path to follow God's provision. It is harder to see the blessing of obedience in the midst of a "string of bad luck" and nothing seems to come together. It is in these times that I must trust God's faithfulness and continue to walk as faithfully as I know how.

God's faithfulness to me is not defined by nor dependant on how well or easily my circumstances come together or how much "good luck" I have. The fact is that God IS faithful and is faithful to me by irrevocably aligning me with his son for justification (translation - he has been faithful because he has called me his son to be with him forever and will never take that back).

God has not "called" us to be missionaries or pastors or engineers. He has called us to be his children and to "live a life worthy of the calling" by being obedient. Obedience is not a particular location or occupation but a position of the heart. We must reflect the love of Christ wherever we are to whoever is around and that I continue to strive to do, first to my family, then to whoever God puts in my path.

There are still more opportunities before us but the hope wearies me and I continue to pray Ps 13, that God would "give light to my eyes", give me the renewed energy to keep pressing on with God himself as my goal.

Virtually every plan we make seems to hit a dead end and yet God is still faithful so I will remain the same.

When to let go...

Despite how depressing that sounds, with a family, it becomes a real consideration. How badly you want to do something does not ensure that it will be done at that time. It is even more frustrating when the determining factor is something as lame as work or money. The dichotomy then appears to be follow the calling God has put on your heart in faith or shrink away because you don't believe God will provide. This is a false dichotomy because my first calling is to my family and the question may be will I choose to follow my dreams or sacrifice them to care for my family. Questions of faith can be difficult to answer and require much reflection. I believe that stepping out in faith may, at times, be stepping back in faith. Do I continue to pursue a ministry before us where it financially looks impossible, in faith, or do I turn to responsibility and turn down the ministry opportunities?

I have concluded that I have made myself available and God's calling may be true but not for now. My primary ministry is to my family. Paul had said that this would be a tension. I cannot say that ministry is not an option for our family right now but only that my pursuit is shifting from trying to make the ministry work to trying to find work as a ministry to my family. I still fully believe that God is able to turn the tides but I must do what I believe is right and follow my highest calling which is to be like Jesus and then care for my family.

This seems to fly in the face of the countless stories of missionaries or even Bible stories where men of faith put their families at risk for the sake of God's calling. Maybe I just don't have enough faith to be that sure of God's calling but as for now, I hope I will always have the strength to choose family over ministry.

Ps 13...from "How long" to "Resolve"

We are going through a Ps 13 time. Last week Heather and I read Ps 13 and I memorized it. Two days ago I preached on it. Today I am still trying to live it.

The cliffnotes on Ps 13 is that David is having a private conversation with God because he is going through a hard time and feels like God is not showing up like he should. God is not meeting Davids expectations.

When God doesn't meet our idea of who we think he should be how do we continue in a life of faith?

Ps 13 has 3 stanzas that show us 3 stages David moves through. First when God doesn't meet his expectations he comes to the fork in the road of DOUBT. At this point we can abandon God to our own strength thinking that if God won't take care of it, I will. OR we can present our doubts to God and be real and raw with him.

After we present our doubts to God We cry out to him with our request and come to the second fork of DESPAIR. At this point we can abandon God to our own strength because we rely on God only for what he can do for us. We ask God to make things easy and trust what he can do rather than who he is. OR we can seek God himself as our only desire. David only asked for restored fellowship with God to give light to his eyes - restore his vitality and give him strength to endure. He didn't ask God to take it all away and make it easy. He only asked that he could go through it with God and in His strength.

After We present our doubts to God and in Despair sought the person of God We come to the place of DAVID - RESOLVE. The key to David's resolve was REMEMBRANCE. He focused on who God has been in the past to continue in resolve for the future.

We were hoping to go to Jordan, which fell through. The opportunity in Costa Rica may also be falling through. We then were hoping to get part-time contract work in Reno and focus on helping a local ministry. The contract work fell through.

I find myself asking the same question in Ps 13:1 "HOW LONG?" which more appropriately is like the kid in the back seat asking "how much longer?" The kid doesn't really want to know the time of how much longer but rather they are saying, "Why can't we be there yet because I really don't want to ride any more!"

Heather and I are tired of the ride. We ask God to have us pursue what He has planned for us and not toward any more closed doors. We can hold on to resolve by remembering. We don't even have to just remember how God has been good to us. I remember how God has been good to the Demeulenaere family in hard times. I remember how God was good to my grandfather. I even remember how God was good to the enslaved Israelites in Egypt. All these things can serve as landmarks of remembrance for me. I still daily struggle to have as my sole request, "God I only need fellowship with you and all the rest will fall in place." I still feel the tugs toward an easy/ trouble free life. Unfortunately God still has us on the path of Abraham, "Get up and go to the land that I show you..." Pray for us to have the resolve to follow God in continued fellowship.

Father keep us safe, keep our faith and fellowship with you safe as we follow you to wherever it is that we are going.

BLAH BLAH...

I know that my posts get quite wordy and honestly, even after writing a lengthy post, I still don't feel I have expressed myself well. Do you ever want to express an idea but regardless of how many words you put down, the idea still has more to say, more angles to be looked at? Words are such limited things and Lord knows I am not a master of them.

Changing view of heaven...

My View of Heaven is changing. I was reading a book about heaven. It was talking about what the scriptures say about it. The book was trying to encourage its readers by making the place more real by giving the physical biblical descriptions of the place because it is harder to be motivated by something abstract that can't be understood. I must confess that for me the book was quite the opposite.

I have always held to the idea that heaven will be so wonderful and so wholy other that I cannot imagine what it will be like. Truthfully, this is not the attitude of scripture. One time, when I was a boy, I asked my mom if I could have a Ferrari in heaven. My mother, in her wisdom, told me, "If you still need a Ferrari to be happy in heaven, then you will have one."

After being challenged by the idea of this book I sat and pondered my own idea of heaven. Why would the very descriptions of heaven from the Bible itself be discouraging for me? What was my view of heaven? I discovered that my view of heaven included being able to travel through all creation and ruling over parts as God's representative. The Bible, on the other hand, describe a new heaven and earth and we are normal, human citizens of a physical city. We are still human, still have hands and feet, still cannot fly... This just didn't fit my expectations. I then began to investigate the root of my expectations. Could the enemy have snuck into such a holy thing? I concluded that my thoughts of heaven may be tainted by ORIGINAL SIN! The sin of wanting to be like God.

I have such a desire to shed the limitations of my humanity to achieve something more. This may sound admirable but why should I want to achieve more than I was created to be? how much more would I want to achieve? If I understand my fallenness, then nothing will be enough and I would want to continue to achieve a higher plain until achieving some sort of deity. Now do you see the common roots to original sin? In my view of heaven!

God created me to be human and I should ascribe to be nothing more than he created me to be. Yes, I should long to shed my sinfulness but remember that sinfulness is not the original design of being human. I should long to achieve my created role as re-perfected human. Does that mean I can fly? or bend reality like the silver surfer? or have the powers of Superman? Humanity was never designed to do that. Humanity was designed to bring glory to God by ruling over the created earth. In heaven we will still be human.

Granted, things will be much different and better than in the beginning with Adam, but that does not include "superhuman powers" or deity qualities. Will I always be bound to walking a terrestrial globe and experience eternal life in a very similar way to how I sense this current life? Maybe, maybe not. The scriptures definately lean toward this end. The point is that my joy should be based in perfected relationship with my creator and serving his original created purpose for humanity and nothing more.

Eating everything I want gets me fat, eating right gets me healthy and feeling good. I don't even need to give an example story to understand getting everything you want opposed to having everything right. I am and will always be a limited being. Now, and always, I will have to trust the only unlimited being who loves me deeply to provide for me what is truly best and right. My joy in heaven will not come from having everything I want but from having "everything right!"

Destination vs journey...

Most of the time our culture is focused more on the destination rather than on the journey, the numerical results rather than the process.

As I reflect on my time here in Guatemala I am constantly reminded of one of God's greatest lessons to me during the past several years even before Guatemala, one of leading. I have often questioned myself when I think God is pointing me in a certain direction and giving me a particular vision only to change it at the end. This comes up again as we change gears from Jordan. But I am comforted by these same lessons in the past like with Kids Alive. Had we not come to Guatemala with them I would have never gotten involved with eMi. I don't think I would have come to Guatemala to do engineering (I would have done a Jonah and run the other way). With each change in course I must trust God for his bigger vision. This does not necessarily mean a better destination either, getting back to my first point.

I have found that God is much more interested in who I am than what I do. This is fleshed out in: He is much more interested in WHO I am where I am and HOW I live there than He is interested in WHERE I am. He is much less interested in the destination than in developing my character along the way. He also uses a "leading" to one thing to get us going in a particular direction only because it is needed to get us going in a direction that can later be changed to a different place that we would have gone to in the first place. I hope that makes sense?!?

Bottom line is: I must follow God to the best of my ability and focus on that which God focuses, my character. It is my faith/character development that prepares me for the work God has for me to do in this life as well as in eternity. This is the only thing I can take with me. Whatever accomplishments, accolades, destinations I have achieved or reached are only by the grace of God anyway and really don't amount to much of anything. Although I always have to have a destination in mind, my focus must remain on the journey, not the destination.

The servant with 7 talents...

No one knows just how much of a goober I really am more than myself. I know my hidden fears and inadequacies. I know when I am just putting up smoke and mirrors to make myself look better than I am. At times I fear what God puts in my hand. It just seems like too much. I want to represent him well but I know my own faults and I don't want my faults to reflect on who God is.

In the parable of the talents Jesus mentions the servant who was given 10 talents, one who was given 5 and one who was given 1. Both of the first two servants doubled their money but the last servant hid the talent. He didn't gain but he didn't lose either. He just didn't risk anything. Jesus praised the servants of 10 and 5 and rebuked the last with 1. I wish Jesus had included in his parable the servant who was given 7 talents.

The servant who was given the 7 invested the money the best he could but the investment went bad and he returned with only 2 talents. This is the guy I am interested in. Would Jesus still praise him?

Don't misunderstand me here. We haven't made some colossal mistake or lost anything. My point is not about loss but about the nature of risk. As missionaries, ministers, Christians, we take risks based on faith. God also "risks" by entrusting things, tasks, people to us. This is my main fear. If I live in "faith" and take on God's tasks, if I receive the 7 talents and do my best with them, what happens if the floor drops out? I know how faulty I am.

I know the "sunday school" answer is that the work is solely God's and I cannot accomplish anything on my own. God is sovereign over it all and he can ensure whatever outcome he wishes. I know that it is the very fact that he uses fallen humans that shows the extent of his grace, redemption, love and glory to me, those around me, as well as all creation, which, knowledge of God is creations chief end.

I know this but still at times Jesus' "burden is easy" starts to feel a bit heavier. Trusting God to accomplish his work even through a goober like me is where I need to stay. With God in control, maybe the apparent loss of the 7 talents brought about an entirely different kind of profit, this to say, that investing in God never results in loss.

I have such a love for God and such a desire to see his purposes fulfilled that I want to see the best of the best working for him and I just wouldn't place myself in that category.

I just know that I don't want to be the servant with one talent that didn't risk anything but I wonder what Jesus would have said about the servant with the 7 talents who, by his own idiocy, lost it all...